In my first two posts on tough conversations, we looked at their importance and how to properly frame them. In this final post, I’d like to look at some very practical tips on dealing with problems in the workplace.

First, choose your language carefully. Use words like “clarify” rather than “confront.” Avoid terms like “always,” “never,” “everything,” and “nothing.” Over-generalization and exaggeration are anything but helpful. Use “I” vs. “you.” Own your perspective rather than assuming theirs.

Second, define the problem. If that is unclear you might ask the following questions: “What are you doing well?" "What are you not doing well?" "What do you need to work on?" "What do you need to change?" If you’re pretty clear on the issue, state it clearly and simply and then ask the other person for a response. If that person disagrees, have him or her describe the problem. Listen without interrupting. Seek to solve the issue versus “being right.” Also hold off on offering solutions, judgments or conclusions until the person feels he or she has been adequately heard out. In some cases, you may need to share how you have contributed to the problem and will do your part to work toward a solution.

Third, acknowledge their feelings and your interest in their success. Have genuine compassion and empathy for their situation. Deal with the issue and don't attack the person.

Fourth, have a mediator or witness present if the meeting has potential to get out of hand. That person should be someone both parties respect. If emotions get too high, call a timeout and regroup later.

Finally, state your hoped outcome upfront and don’t leave the conversation without agreement on a solution or a decision to revisit the issue if more time is needed. If the latter, set a date.

Tough conversations take energy and time but ultimately save us in both energy and time. Negative and toxic environments suck much more energy out of leaders, managers, and employees than the energy it takes to resolve problems. So respect yourself and everyone in your organization by not “dancing around the elephant in the room.” Everyone knows it’s there, and everyone is waiting for you to deal with it. The longer you wait to resolve an issue the quicker you will be perceived as weak, lazy, or incompetent. So have those tough conversations; compassionately pursue the truth and help your people become all they were meant to be.